This is Why We Don't Mess with Baby's Rattle
by Plumcot
Summary: Loki's magic goes awry during a battle in New York, and he and Tony soon find themselves as - respectively - a child and a woman! Rated T for language. Nothing too bad, just one use of the F word and some subtle sexual content.
1. A Shift in Equipment

**Author's Note: **So here's the thing; I love genderswap fics. But not the AU kind where the character has been the opposite gender their entire life, I like the ones where a character is suddenly switched and has to figure out the new mechanics. But there aren't enough of those, in my opinion. So I wrote one. You're welcome, and enjoy.

* * *

They had only just fixed New York from last time. The citizens had all but forgotten the tragedy, and everyone was continuing life as normal. Sure, the Avengers still had the odd threat to deal with, but what was Dr. Doom having a temper tantrum compared to this?

Loki was at it again. And damn it if Tony wasn't pissed.

"Can we get this over with soon?" He said over the comm as he aimed repulsor beams at their green-and-gold clad enemy. "I get grumpy if I don't have my coffee in the morning."

"You can get your caffeine fix later, Stark." Clint retorted from two blocks away, where he and the others were fighting off Loki-clones that popped like balloons after just a few strikes. They were easy, yeah, but there were so many of them that this particular team had their hands full. "Right now we have reindeer games to deal with."

"Hey! I'm pretty sure that's my line!" Tony said jokingly. He was catching up to the god, who was fast when he was running on magic. He finally landed in front of him, stopping Loki short. "You know, the first time definitely made an impression, but by now you just seem kind of desperate." He said, swaggering toward him. "What are you even trying to accomplish this time?"

Loki smirked. "A foolish mortal such as yourself would never be able to grasp the complexity of my plan. Had it never occurred to you that you may have been playing into my trap this entire time?"

"Actually, no it hasn't. Not since we kicked your ass and sent you crying back home, anyway."

Loki grimaced. "Very well then." He said. "Let's see what you have to say after I level your precious city!" He raised his staff menacingly.

"Ohh, no you don't!" Tony shouted. He lunged forward and grasped the staff with both hands, and the two began to wrestle over it.

"Stop that! You have no idea the power you're toying with!"

"I'm sorry, is baby scared his rattle will break?" Even as the words left his mouth, Tony started to worry. He didn't want to accidentally hit the trigger or something and end up shooting magic everywhere. Too late.

The staff banged against a piece of rubble, and everything happened at once; a crack, a flash of green light, and then… black.

The next thing Tony remembered was the smell of disinfectant. The distant sound of beeping. A hospital? Yes, that sounded right. But what was he doing there? There had been a battle, he knew that… he must have gotten scuffed up pretty bad.

"He's waking up!" He heard someone whisper from the side of his bed. He opened his eyes to see Pepper staring down at him. Sitting next to him was Clint, who looked like he was about to laugh. "Hey, Tony, are you okay?" Pepper said. "Does anything hurt?"

"No, not really." Tony replied. He frowned; his voice sounded higher than usual. He coughed and continued. "They must have me on some pretty strong stuff." No, clearing his throat hadn't helped; he still sounded like a chick. He put his hand to his throat, and suddenly it hit him; his hands were smaller too. He held them out in front of him and examined them, still battle-worn but now small and dainty.

"Guys, what the hell is going on?" He said in that high, goddamned voice.

"Um, that's the thing-" Pepper started. She didn't get far, though, before Clint cut him off.

"Dude, you're a chick."

"Ha ha." Tony laughed nervously. But… but wait. He shifted a bit in the sheets. Something was definitely missing. Something very important. "Where the hell is my dick!?" He shouted.

"And that's not all." Clint said, obviously amused. "Look down."

Tony did, pulling the collar of the hospital gown away from his chest. "Holy shit… I have boobs!"

"I was going to break it to him gently, Clint!" Pepper chastised.

"How? The dude went from being, well, a _dude _to a girl! I'm surprised he didn't notice when he woke up!"

"It's not something I normally give much thought to, Legolas!" Tony shouted. "I don't wake up and immediately think, 'gee, am I still male? Better check!' Once again, what the hell happened?"

Clint opened his mouth, but Pepper quickly put her hand over it. "You and Loki were fighting over his staff, right?" She said. Tony nodded. "While you were fighting something must have gone off and… here you are."

"Oh shit, I forgot about that! Where's Bruce? And more importantly, Loki?"

"Well, Bruce is in the waiting room with the others."

"And Loki?"

"Well, that's the thing. You weren't the only one affected by the blast."

"What do you mean? Where is he?"

"He's in the waiting room too, he's-" Tony wasted no time in hoisting himself out of the bed, detaching all the equipment, and marching down the hall toward the waiting room. "Wait, Tony! You need to rest!"

"Aside from a very unsettling shift in equipment, I think I'm fine, Peps!" Tony said, grumbling a little as he turned the corner to where the others were seated. Everyone looked up to face him, startled.

"Tony, you shouldn't be out of bed!" Bruce said. From the lack of surprise on everyone's faces, they had all been told about his predicament.

"I don't give a rat's ass about bed rest. Where's Loki?" At that, everyone pointed at the floor. Tony turned to see a small child of about seven years old with black hair, wearing clothes that were just a bit too big for him and studying one of the spot-the-difference games in a Highlights for Kids magazine. It took him a second to register, but then Tony realized; oh shit. _This _was Loki. "That's him?" He said. "That's Loki?"

Loki turned to face him, and yes it was definitely reindeer games. The eyes confirmed it. "Are you looking for me, ma'am?" He said.

Tony knelt down. "Yeah. Loki, do you know who I am?"

"Not at first, ma'am. But my big brother explained everything to me." Loki was smiling, his words with an innocent quality to them that the adult Loki would never show.

"Can you tell me what you remember before coming here?" Tony asked.

Loki looked up into the air in contemplation. "I only remember playing in the castle with Thor and Sif, and then I was here. Is it true I was all grown up before I came here?" Tony groaned inwardly. This was going to be interesting.


	2. The Mechanics of Things

As soon as they arrived back at the tower, Tony headed for Pepper's closet. She had given him permission to find something to wear, and he wasn't going to walk around in his now ill-fitting jeans and t-shirt all day. He walked into her room, and stopped short in front of the full-length mirror in the corner. He hadn't really gotten a look at himself since the accident, and one thing he was pleased to note was that he was pretty damn hot.

He had a curvy, hourglass figure with breasts he would have loved on another woman. His hair was still short, and it looked pretty sexy on his smoother, daintier face. As a guy he was a playboy. As a woman, he looked more like a vixen. "I think I can deal with this…" He muttered. "Jarvis?" He called as he flung open the doors to the closet.

"Yes, ma'am?"

"Download everything you can find on women's fashion. This is gonna be fun."

When he came downstairs, Coulson was talking to the other Avengers in the living room.

"We're in damage-control mode as we speak. PR here isn't that hard to manage, we're just worried about what Odin will say if he finds out what happened to his son."

"I doubt father will worry." Thor remarked. Loki was sitting in his lap, still devouring the magazine. "I daresay it's an improvement."

"You like me better as a child?" Loki asked. "Why?"

"Err…" Thor froze as he realized his mistake.

"Am I mean to you when I grow up? Brother, tell the truth!"

Tony figured it was time to create a distraction. "Hello, boys." He said, stepping into the room. Everyone but Loki stared. Including Natasha, which had some interesting implications. Tony was dressed in a pencil skirt and black high-heels, with a cherry-blossom pink blouse buttoned far too low to be decent. He had put gel in his hair so that it spiked up on end, and even expertly applied a little mascara and lipstick. And- oh god- he had shaved his legs.

Clint gave a wolfish smile from his seat on the couch. "Not bad, Stark, not bad!"

Tony smiled back, and put his hands on the couch arm, leaning over to give Clint a perfect view. "You really think so?" Clint gulped, and Tony smirked, standing back up.

"Oh, great." Pepper groaned, her hand over her face. "You were _not _just flirting with Clint."

"Nah, just messing with him." Tony said before he sat down beside her. "You know I only have eyes for you, babe."

"Wait…" Clint thought aloud. "Does that make you a lesbian?"

Pepper shrugged. "I'm still Pepper, and he's still Tony. What does it matter if the mechanics are different?"

Coulson coughed. "This _is_ a serious matter, in case you've forgotten. As long as Loki is in his childlike state, neither of you are getting back to normal."

"What, you mean he can't change us back?" Tony said.

Loki shook his head sadly. "I'm sorry ma'am, I haven't learned either of these spells yet.

Tony shrugged "I could get behind being stuck like this for a while. And hey, we've got plenty of toys for kiddo over there to play with."

"Toys that won't explode if he presses the wrong button?" Pepper asked, already knowing the answer.

"Well, not so much, but he's a smart kid, right Loki?"

"I do take pride in my intelligence!" Loki said happily.

"What is he wearing, anyway?" Tony asked no-one in particular. Today Loki was wearing a Superman t-shirt and a pair of jeans, both still a bit too big for him.

"They're some of my old clothes." Bruce said. "I kept some after I left, for nostalgia's sake."

"Aww, little Bruce in a Superman shirt? C'mere!" Tony got up from his seat next to Pepper and walked over to hug Bruce.

"Ummm…" Bruce blushed a bit uncomfortably.

"That's it." Pepper marched over and pulled Tony up by the collar of his shirt.

"What? What'd I do?"

"I am not having you flirt with every guy in sight! It's just… it's just too weird!"

"I was not flirting, I was hugging! I'm allowed to hug my science bro, aren't I?"

"No! I mean- it's just- goddamn it, Tony!"

"I think technically it's more like Tanya." Clint commented.

"Tony could be a girl's name, couldn't it?" Steve replied.

"He could just spell it with an 'I'?" Natasha said.

"Hey, it's just Tony, alright?" Tony said, once he had gotten free from Pepper's iron grip. "Just because I've got different parts doesn't mean I'm actually a woman. I just look a little different is all."

"Yeah." Clint said, smirking. "Wait until you have to use the bathroom."

* * *

"I'm telling ya, Bruce, this has been a blast." Tony said as he and Bruce sat at the bar of the pub they were in. "Like five guys honked at me while I was walking here! My self-esteem has never been higher!"

Bruce smiled gently. "I think the word for that is actually ego, but as long as you're happy."

Tony grinned and took another sip of his beer. "What're you drinking, anyway?"

"Sprite." Bruce replied. Tony raised an eyebrow at him. "Alcohol greatly increases my chances of… well, losing control." He explained.

"I get it. Shit… now I feel bad for inviting you out here."

"No, it's okay. I don't go to pubs for the drinks, anyway; I go for the conversation."

"You, my friend, have your priorities gravely misarranged."

"I'm sure."

"Why hello there, pretty lady." A tall, tattooed man in a tank top was suddenly leaning against the bar next to Tony. Tony turned to face him.

"Hello yourself." He said, smiling. He looked past the man to see Bruce was shooting him a look that clearly said "don't do it". Tony winked, and turned back to the man.

"Whaddyou say we get out of here?" The man asked.

Tony cocked his head and smiled dangerously. "Oh, I'd love to. Let me just tell my husband where I'm going."

The man's face fell, and he left without a word.

"Didn't even say goodbye." Tony remarked. "Jackass."

"You seem really cool about all of this." Bruce said.

"You think?"

"Well, yeah. I know if I'd woken up like… well, like that, that I'd be panicking like crazy."

"Haven't you ever wondered, though?" Tony asked. "What it's like for a girl?"

"By "It" you mean…"

"I mean life in general, Bruce." Tony said, smacking him lightly over the head. "Get your head out of the gutter. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to use the little girl's room." A minute or so later, Tony came striding out of the restroom exclaiming, "Damn, that was easy!"

* * *

**Author's Note: **Don't get me wrong; I totally ship Science Boyfriends. But I felt like Pepperony was more appropriate for this fic. So here you go.


	3. Discoveries and Drunkards

Little Loki, for one, was having the time of his life in the tower. His day after the conversation in the living room had consisted mostly of him wandering curiously up and down the halls asking

"What's this?" With Steve and Thor following behind him doing their best to answer. "What's this?" He asked, pointing to the coffee machine.

"It's a coffee machine." Steve stated simply.

"What's coffee?"

"It's a drink made from a kind of bean that gives you lots of energy."

"An energy drink?"

"No, that's something else."

"What's this?" Loki said, now talking about the refrigerator.

"It's a refrigerator. It keeps your food cool so it doesn't go bad."

Loki opened the door to the fridge. "But there's no ice!"

"Well, no, it doesn't need ice."

"So it's magic?"

"No, not quite…" Steve stopped. He didn't actually know how exactly a refrigerator worked. "Yeah, it's magic."

That's when Loki saw a colorful cardboard box sticking out of the cupboard. "What's that?" He asked.

Thor took the box down from the cupboard and proudly presented it to his little brother. "These," he beamed, "Are pop-tarts! A Midgardian concoction so delicious it is like a symphony for the taste buds!"

"May I have one?" Loki asked excitedly.

"Of course, but they must be heated first."

"Ooh! I can do that! Put one down for me, please!" Thor took one of the pop tarts out of its wrapper and lay on a plate on the counter. Loki concentrated a bit, and spoke a few words that Steve only heard as gibberish, and lo and behold, the pop-tart was thoroughly toasted. Loki picked it up, and his eyes widened as he bit down.

"These Midgardians are amazing!" He exclaimed. "Can we live here forever, brother?"

"Just because of the pop-tarts?" Thor asked, amused.

"Not just that! Everyone is so nice to me here! Can we stay just a little while, at least? Please?"

Thor's heart melted at his brother's pleading eyes. "I don't see why not." He said.

"Hooray! Thank you, brother!" Loki said, before wrapping his short, seven-year-old arms as far around Thor as they could reach. Thor smiled and returned the embrace. He was glad to have his little brother back, even if it took a burst of renegade magic to get it. He couldn't help but dread the day they managed to turn him back.

"Hey, I have an idea!" Steve said.

"What is that?" Thor asked.

"Well, Loki, you want to try Midgardian food, right?" Loki nodded. "Have you ever had a milkshake before?"

* * *

Later that night, Tony and Bruce got back to the tower, Tony more than a little buzzed. Pepper greeted them at the door.

"Did he break anything? Hurt anyone? Start world war three?" She asked as they carefully shifted the barely-standing Tony from Bruce's arm to hers.

Bruce chuckled. "No. actually. He was his version of a perfect gentleman."

Pepper smiled. "I blame you." She said.

"What?"

"You're a good influence on him. Thank you."

Bruce blushed and rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. "Um, thanks!"

"Peps!" Tony said, balanced on Pepper's shoulder. "Guess what?"

"What?"

"Did you know these things hurt when I jump?" He said, patting his chest.

Pepper groaned. "That's right… we're going to have to get you some bras, aren't we?" Then it dawned on her. "Wait… does that mean you weren't wearing a bra when you let Clint stare down your _shirt?_" Tony just giggled, and Pepper sighed a long-suffering sigh. "Come on, lover-boy. Let's get you in bed."

"Not a bad idea!"

"I meant to sleep, Tony."

"Aww."

"Goodnight, Bruce!" Pepper said, handling Tony into the elevator. "And thanks again for keeping him out of trouble!"

"You're welcome!" Bruce said after them. He went to his own room soon after, feeling good about his decision not to tell Pepper exactly how many times Tony had flashed the entire pub.


	4. Tony Stark Feminist Extraordinaire

The next day, Pepper took Tony to the mall to go bra shopping.

"This is embarrassing." He grumbled as Pepper led him by the hand to the underwear section.

"You're a girl now, no one will look twice. Now come on; you can't just walk around without underwear all the time, and you're sure as hell not borrowing mine."

"Aww, but why not? You know I always loved the little purple-polka-dotted ones." That earned him a slap on the hand.

"Ow! What was that for?"

"For managing to be a dick even when you don't have one anymore."

"That was uncalled for."

"Here we are." They had arrived in the bra section of the store. "Do you have the card we wrote your size down on?"

"Yeah."

"Okay, then let's start looking." The two began to scour the racks for something that would suit Tony's taste, and he soon noticed something.

"Why do almost all of these have padding in the bottom?"

Pepper turned. "They're called push-ups. They're to make your breasts look bigger."

"But why? What's so great about having big breasts?"

"What, you don't like girls with big chests?"

"No, no that's not what I meant. I like all girls, not matter how big their- oh god, even in the junior's section!" Pepper raised an eyebrow, though not disapprovingly. Something about watching famous womanizer Tony Stark go on what was basically a feminist rant warmed her heart. "God, what makes girls feel like they have to do this, Pepper?" Tony asked, distressed.

"I'll tell you what." Pepper said, distracting him with a black number with pink polka-dots. "You try this on, and we can discuss beauty culture and feminism later."

As they walked toward the checkout lane with enough underwear to last Tony at least until he got changed back, something caught his eye and he stopped short. "What is it?" Pepper asked, turning to see what he was staring at. She rolled her eyes when she saw. It was a black miniskirt cut way above the knees. "You do not need that." Pepper said.

"Yeah, but I sure as hell want it!" Tony said, grabbing the skirt from the rack without a second thought and starting back off toward the cash register.

"Aren't you at least going to try it on?" Pepper said as she caught up to him.

"I don't have to. I can tell already how hot I'll look in it." Pepper rolled her eyes. Somehow, having Tony Stark as a girlfriend was harder than having him as a boyfriend.

* * *

When they got back to the tower, they were greeted by an interesting scene.

"What the hell happened here?" Tony asked Thor, who was covered in singe marks, along with Loki, Steve and the entire kitchen.

"Well…" Thor began.

"I was t-trying to make puh-pop tarts!" Loki stuttered, distressed. "And the sp-spell went wrong, and I h-hurt big b-brother and friend S-Steve!"

Tony's heart absolutely melted at the sight. He knelt down and ruffled the kid's hair. Loki looked up, snot dripping down his face. "Hey." Tony said. "It's alright, huh? I'm rich, I can rebuild the kitchen. And Steve and your brother over there? They're practically indestructible. What about you, are you alright?" Loki nodded. "Okay. So how about you go take a bath and wash off some of that charcoal, huh?" Loki nodded again. "Thor, I think that's your job." Tony said. Thor took Loki's hand and led him away to the bathroom, as Steve took the opposite direction toward his own shower. When he stood again, Pepper was looking at him incredulously. "What?" Tony asked. "What's wrong?"

"Tony Stark acting motherly?" Pepper said in mock-disbelief. "What's next, Fury petting kittens?"

"Har-de-har har. You didn't expect me to just tell him to suck it up, did you?"

"Well, no, but… I'm really proud of you, you know that?" She stepped up to Tony and kissed him. Actually, the first kiss since he had changed the other day. She stepped back. "Wow. That was…"

"Different?" Tony said with one eyebrow raised.

"Yeah."

"What do you say we see how 'different' other things are, hm?"

"I swear, you're just as bad as you were when you were a guy!" Pepper exclaimed, swacking him gently on the side of the head.

Tony grinned. "Hey, a Stark is a Stark is a Stark."

"I should have taken that into account." Pepper grumbled.

"Come on, Peps! Are you really saying we can't until I turn back?"

Pepper smiled in spite of herself. "Maybe later. _If _you're good."

"Then I shall try my best to be the pinnacle of good behavior!"

"Yeah, we'll see how long that lasts. Just go play some video games or something, I have some business to take care of."

"Business meaning?" Tony asked her as she left.

"Meaning literal business. Later, okay Tony?"

"Bye, Peps." Tony did take her advice, and, (after putting on the miniskirt that, as expected, _did _make his ass look amazing) ended up cross-legged on the couch playing Grand Theft Auto. "Holy shit! Say goodbye to your chopper, dude!" He shouted in delight as he wreaked havoc on the virtual cityscape. That's when he heard a wolf whistle from the corner, and looked up to see Clint leaning against the doorway. "Ah, what is it, shitface?"

"You probably shouldn't be sitting like that." Tony's brow furrowed in thought before he finally realized; you can't really sit cross-legged in a miniskirt.

"Screw you." He said as he adjusted himself on the couch. "You were probably enjoying the view, anyway."

Clint laughed. "Ha! You wish. You'd love a piece of this action." Tony grinned as he flipped the archer off, making him laugh again.

"Either piss off, or get over here and run over innocent citizens with me."

"I'll take door number two, thank you." The two spent a while on the couch hijacking ice-cream trucks for fun before Pepper appeared in the doorway.

"Oh, Tony?" She said, one eyebrow raised.

"Yeah, Peps?"

"Remember that offer from earlier?" Tony dropped the controller and raced out of the room.

* * *

**Author's Note: **Okay, let's be honest; that was pretty OOC. But push-ups was something I really wanted to rant about, so there it is.


	5. Be Kind, Always

It was official; Loki loved the tower. Between all the many, many fascinating little electronic doodads to play with and all of the warriors with their many stories to tell, he was in paradise. Some days he would find himself shooting arrows with Clint, others he might request a story from Steve. But one day in particular, he found himself wandering the halls when he came across a room he hadn't seen before.

When he opened the door, Loki was greeted by the sight of Bruce, sitting cross-legged on a mat. His back was straight, and his palms were laid on his thighs, outstretched and facing upward. Loki crept curiously forward, worried that if he distracted Bruce he could be interrupting some complicated spell. Unbeknownst to him, Bruce had already noticed, and couldn't help cracking a small smile at the corner of his mouth.

"You don't have to be afraid, you know." Bruce said.

Loki jumped. "I am sorry, Lord Bruce! I did not mean to interrupt you! I'll just…" He turned to leave.

"Wait, wait!" Bruce said, still smiling despite himself. "You can stay if you want."

Loki turned back around, cautiously. "Are you sure?"

"Of course."

Satisfied, Loki walked back over and sat down right beside the doctor. "What spell are you working?" He asked.

Bruce chuckled. "I'm not working any kind of spell. I'm meditating."

Loki cocked his head. "What is meditating?"

"It's a special kind of exercise that helps clear your mind, and calm you down."

"Why do you do it?"

Bruce took a deep breath. "Well, it's like this." He said. "I look like a perfectly normal mortal right now, right?" Loki nodded, and Bruce continued. "There was an accident a long time ago, and now if I get too angry I can turn into a monster. So I try to keep as calm as I can."

Loki's eyes widened. "A monster? You? But you don't seem evil at all!"

Bruce smiled wisely. "But here's the thing. Not all monsters are evil." Loki cocked his head curiously. "A monster is something that's big and scary, that people are afraid of. But that doesn't mean it wants to scare people. It just means it's unlucky."

"My father always taught us that monsters are bad things, to be fought and killed. Like the Frost Giants of Jotunheim. They're the worst monsters of them all."

"And how do you think they got that way?"

"What do you mean?" Loki asked.

"A wise man once said, 'be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle'. You don't know why the Frost Giants are so mean, do you? Maybe their life is just so hard, they feel like they have to take it out on everyone else."

Loki thought on this. "Like when I am in a bad humor, and I don't want to be nice to anyone?"

"Exactly."

Loki gave himself another moment to ponder this idea, then asked; "May I meditate with you?"

"Of course. Sit with your legs crossed, like me, and let's get started."


	6. The Price of a Uterus

The next few weeks fell into a sort of pattern. Loki would spend the day discovering things about Midgard and playing with the Avengers, (especially Bruce, of whom he had become a devout student) and Tony would wear progressively less clothing and more makeup, only to start an argument with Clint. Of course, it was obvious they were having fun; they always smiled as they called each other names or flipped each-other off, but it was still loud, and the others tended to avoid them in that mood. Until one day.

Natasha, Pepper and Bruce were cleaning up after breakfast together when they heard a shrill scream from some corner of the tower.

"What the..?" Natasha said. "Was that Tony?"

"P-Pepper!" He screamed again.

"Yup, definitely Tony." Pepper said before walking quickly off toward the source of the scream. Natasha and Bruce followed her, until they came up to the door of the bathroom. "Tony? You okay in there?" Pepper said through the door.

"I, I just need your help, okay?"

"In the bathroom?"

"Yes! Just… please?"

"Alright, I'm coming in." She silently waved the others away as she headed into the bathroom. Nobody noticed much of anything different about him until the next day.

At ten A.M the next morning, Tony came into the kitchen in sweat-pants and a t-shirt and proceeded to make coffee.

"Good morning, Tony!" Pepper said. Tony just groaned.

"Isn't it a little late in the day?" Bruce commented.

"I slept in, so what?" Tony said, a little defensively.

"Is he okay?" Bruce whispered to Pepper.

"Yes, he's fine. Just try to be nice to him, okay?" That plan was blown out of the water, however, when Clint entered the room.

"Hey, look who's finally up! And not dressed like a slut today, wow!" He said, way too cheerily for his own good. The corner of Tony's mouth twitched downward. "You know we had breakfast like four hours ago, right?" Clint said as he leaned onto the island counter. He wasn't expecting hot coffee to be flung into his face. "Agh! What the hell, man! That was-" he cut himself off when he saw Tony's face. His face was screwed up in anger, his cheeks red. And… were those tears at the corners of his eyes?

"You know what Clint? Shut up! Just shut your goddamn mouth! You have no idea what I'm going through! My chest hurts when I run, every bra I find pokes me in the chest all day long until I'm bleeding like a torture victim, no matter where I go guys won't stop fucking hitting on me, and now on top of it all I'm hungry, I'm cramping, and I can't stop eating _chocolate_!" On that last word, Tony banged the mug down and stormed out of the room down the hallway.

"What… what the hell was that?" Clint asked as he wiped his face free of coffee.

"Idiot." Pepper said as she smacked him in the back of his head; hard.

"What! What'd I do?" But Pepper was long gone, headed down the hallway in search of Tony. She found him on his bed, curled up and sobbing.

"Tony? Can I come in?" Tony slowly nodded, and Pepper walked cautiously into the room, closing the door behind her. She sat down carefully on the bed, and Tony immediately clung to her, his head in her lap. "Hey, it's okay." She said, stroking his head.

"What is wrong with me?" Tony choked out. "D-do you have to go through this every month? God, how do you do it?"

"It doesn't hit us all this hard. Unfortunately it looks like your hormones are really out of whack."

"Great. So not only am I now a woman, I ap-p-parently have to suffer more than any other woman on earth b-because of my stupid hormones."

"Now, I wouldn't say that…." Tony didn't say anything, so she continued. "You know, there is a way you might be able to get guys to stop hitting on you…"

Tony took a deep breath. "I… I know I'm asking for it with the way I dress. I just really need the self-esteem after what happened, you know?"

"I know, sweetheart, I know." Tony's heart jumped. That was the first time she'd called him anything other than just "Tony". "Just maybe lay off the miniskirts for a little while?" She suggested. Tony nodded. "And if you need chocolate, you can have access to my secret stash."

"Really?" Tony said, sitting up to face her.

"Really." Pepper wiped away his tears before leaning in to kiss him, soft and gentle. "Now. Let's get back out there. And you don't even have to apologize to Clint."

"I don't?"

"Of course not. He was being a dick; I would have done the same thing. Now come on!" She stood up and started out the door.

"Wait, Peps."

"Yeah?"

"About that chocolate stash?"


	7. Let's Science Shit Up!

After everyone figured out what was going on, they were especially considerate to Tony for the next five days until the whole ordeal was over.

"I swear, I have got to engineer a way to get rid of all that 'period' stuff!" Tony complained to Pepper over coffee one morning. He was wearing jeans and a black scoop-neck t-shirt today, having taken Pepper's advice about his fashion choices.

Pepper chuckled. "You're smart, Tony, but not smarter than Mother Nature. Besides, your symptoms will probably mellow out after a few times." The sentence was out before she realized what she was implying.

"Pepper…" Tony asked. "How long do you think I'll be like this?"

"I don't know, Tony. I'm sorry. But it's not really _that _bad, is it?"

"I don't know; I think I'm starting to get how trans people feel. I still feel like a guy, but I'm stuck in… in… this! It's… uncomfortable."

"But as long as Loki's still a mini-god…"

Suddenly, Tony's face brightened as if with an idea. "Hold the phone! Maybe we don't have to solve this with magic!"

Pepper raised one eyebrow. "Tony, you're not thinking what I think you're thinking. I hope you aren't."

"Ohh, yes I am! It's science time!" Tony said as he pulled a cell-phone out of his pocket.

"But Tony, remember the last time you tried to use science to mess with magic?"

"Hey, Clint stopped barking after a while!" Pepper started to say something, but Tony held up a finger and mouthed the words, 'It's ringing!' There was a brief pause. "Hey, Jane! Yeah, yeah, great to hear from you too. Oh, well, yeah there's a reason I sound different. That's why I'm calling. How do you feel about getting over here and science-ing some shit up? Well, no, but it's way more fun to say it that way. Okay! Great! I'll see you in, what, five hours? Awesome! Bye!"

"You're grasping at straws, Tony." Pepper said.

"Maybe so, but I gotta try _something._" Pepper couldn't argue with that; they couldn't just sit around waiting for a cure to pop its head through the door. But she also couldn't help but think that trying to fix magic with science would get them nowhere.

Four hours and fifty minutes later, (Darcy drives _fast_) Jane and Thor were having a happy reunion in the lobby, and Darcy was hauling in lab equipment behind them.

"I am overjoyed to see you, Lady Jane!" Thor exclaimed as he picked his girlfriend up about two inches from the ground with his hug.

"It's great to see you too, Thor!" She said, kissing her lumbering god of a boyfriend.

"Great, I'm glad to see you two are so happy together. Here you go." Darcy pushed a suitcase into Thor's hand.

"Darcy!" Jane said. "That's the-"

"Big heavy science thing?" Darcy cut her off.

"Big heavy _expensive _science thing! Be careful!"

"Oh, it'll be fine. Thor's got huge god biceps, unlike me."

Jane rolled her eyes, and turned back to Thor. "So, where's Tony? We heard he got into a bit of a scrape, but he never actually told us what happened."

"Well…" Thor started.

"Right here, ladies." Tony said from the bottom step on the staircase. "Glad to see you could make it."

Darcy burst out laughing. Jane bit her tongue for a second, and finally managed to say; "So this is what you needed help with?"

Tony nodded. "This and our resident god of mischief."

That stopped Darcy's laughter. "Wait, Loki's here?"

"Yup. Loki? You coming?"

"Yes, ma'am!" At that Loki slid down the railing, landing expertly on the ground in front of them. "Greetings!" He said. "My name is Loki!" His smile widened when his eyes fell on Thor and Jane. "Ah! This must be the lovely lady my brother is courting!" He bowed briefly.

"Oh, no way." Darcy said, stepping over to the little tyke. "You're Loki?"

Loki nodded. "May I ask your name?"

"My name's Darcy. So… do you remember any-" She cut herself off when she saw Thor and Tony shaking their heads urgently.

"Remember any what?"

"Any… fun games to play around here?"

"Of course!" Loki said, beaming. "Follow me! I can show you a magical, amazing game Uncle Tony calls Angry Birds!"

Darcy smiled. "I'd love that! But I've gotta take care of some business with these guys first. Meet up with you later?" Loki nodded. "Alright." Darcy held up a hand for him to high-five, but Loki only cocked his head, confused. "Oh. You're supposed to slap it; it's a Midgardian thing." Loki did, and Darcy rewarded him with a "Good job!" Before he ran back up the stairs.

As soon as he was out of earshot, Jane turned to Tony. "He really doesn't remember anything?"

Tony shook his head. "As far as he's concerned, he was just playing with his friends and suddenly he was in a hospital on Midgard."

"Uncle Tony?" Darcy questioned.

Tony rolled his eyes. "Thor's idea, not mine. Come on; I'll brief you on the situation on the way to the lab."

He did, in fact, manage to fit pretty much the entire situation in the trip to the lab, (that's Bruce's lab, not Tony's; Bruce was always better at biology anyway) with Darcy laughing her head off the entire way there, and Jane trying courteously not to.

"So…" Darcy said, gasping as they approached the door. "So you just woke up? With boobs?"

"Yup." Tony smirked. "And a fine set, if I do say so myself." That just set Darcy off again. "And, here we are!" Tony opened the door, and they were greeted by a vast amount of desks, computers, fancy-looking equipment and microscopes. Bruce was leaning against a desk drinking a mug of coffee, and Loki was sitting on top of said desk playing Angry Birds on a StarkTech Tablet.

"Wow…" Jane marveled. "This is…"

"Shiny?" Tony finished for her.

"Amazing! Shiny too, but… wow!"

Tony smiled. "The perks of being a billionaire."

"Hey!" Darcy said, smiling in Bruce's direction. "It's the big green guy!"

Bruce smiled back. "Yeah, that's me." He took a sip of his coffee.

"Should you be drinking that?" Darcy asked.

"Decaf." He replied simply.

"Oh. Well then. Is it time to, as you say, 'science shit up'?"

Bruce rolled his eyes. "That's Tony's thing, not mine. But yeah, I think everything's ready."

"Alright!" Tony said, clapping his hands together. "Let's get to it!"

Three days and five hours of sleep later, they had nothing. Nothing useful, anyway; Darcy may have accidentally figured the optimal way to randomly place items in a knapsack, but they chalked that up to a sleep-deprived fluke. Other than that, they had basically zero helpful data on Tony and Loki's situation.

"Well… I think that's it." Jane said quietly. Darcy and Loki were both curled up in a corner somewhere napping.

"Nothing? Not a single shred of anything we could use?"

"Well," Bruce said. "We do know that Loki is aging."

"Yes, at the same rate any other seven-year-old would. What are we supposed to do, wait for him to grow up?" Bruce just shrugged. "Great." Tony said. "And in the meantime? What about me?"

"Well, there's always gender reassignment."

"Ohh, no." Tony said. "I am not going through that just because reindeer games over there can't keep his magic contained."

"Hey!" Jane said. "That's not nice, he's just a kid!"

"Yeah! Now he is! He used to be a big, grown up megalomaniac with serious daddy issues and a deadly weapon in his hands!" Bruce coughed pointedly. "What?" Tony said irritatedly. "What do you have to say?"

"It's just that, has anyone thought about what will happen when he has to turn back into that grown megalomaniac?" Everyone fell quiet, and Bruce continued. "For you to be turned back, Loki has to be a grown adult. The two sort of go hand in hand. And even if he was turned back, we're not even sure if he would help."

"Right." Tony said. "That… that's right." He sighed. "So… I guess we're both stuck like this, then?

"Not necessarily." Jane said.

Tony brightened and turned toward her. "Ooh! That sounds like you have an idea! Do you have an idea?"

She nodded. "Yes, well. I didn't want to resort to this, but there's someplace we could go."

Tony's face fell. "Oh no. You don't mean?"

"It's the only way I can see. Loki's going to have to take a trip back home."


	8. Home Again, Home Again, Jiggity Jog

Everyone was nervous about the trip to Asgard. Between nobody but Thor actually knowing how you got there, and the uncertainty of Odin's reaction to Loki's problem, the whole team was on edge. Except for one person.

"We're going back home! We're going back home!" Loki practically sang as everyone was making preparations up on the roof. (The biggest, most secluded open space they had.)

"That's right!" Bruce said to him as Thor made the last adjustments. "Are you excited?"

Loki nodded. "I can't wait to see mother and father again! They must have missed me!"

Everyone exchanged a knowing look, before Bruce knelt down and said, "I'm sure they did, Loki."

"Alright." Thor announced. "Brace yourselves." In one chaotic, dizzying instant, they were in Asgard, standing in front of Heimdall.

"Who-oah!" Tony exclaimed when they landed. "This place is… holy shit, I need a room like this!"

"Prince Loki." Heimdall said, smiling. "I am glad to see you have returned."

Loki smiled. "And it is good to see you again, Heimdall. But we are here for a reason."

"I saw. And I wish you the best of luck on your journey." Loki nodded determinedly, and the gang proceeded on their way down the Bifrost and into the kingdom. As they walked through the gilded city toward the palace, there were whispers and murmurs.

"Brother? What are they whispering about?" Loki asked, tugging on Thor's sleeve.

"They are most likely excited to see us back, Loki." Thor said, not without a hint of honesty. The people probably were excited, yes. To see the return of Thor, and the arrival of so many new faces. But he couldn't help but wonder what their thoughts were on Loki's return, not to mention his size.

"Thor! You've returned!" They heard a loud bellow. Not a second later, Volstagg rode up to greet them on a chestnut horse. "And you've brought your friends, I see? But…"

Tony could see the warrior's gaze was directed at him. 'Yeah, that's the reason we're here. Me and reindeer games got into a bit of a mess."

"Reindeer games?" Volstagg repeated curiously. It was then that he saw the small hand that gripped Thor's. Whoever the hand was attached to, however, was hiding behind the thunder god.

"Well, well?" Volstagg said, hopping down off of his steed. "Who have we here?" Loki moved out into plain view, and Volstagg gasped. "Thor… is this who I think it is?"

"As Tony said, this is the reason we are here. We have a problem that only magic can fix."

"Well, I would hardly call it a problem. I daresay I like this Loki better!" Volstagg smiled, and to everyone's surprise Loki smiled back.

"Ahem." Tony coughed pointedly.

"Yes, well, there is that. Come, then! I shall accompany you to the palace!" If the rest of the kingdom had been amazing, then the palace was just overwhelming. The architecture was complicated enough to make an engineer like Tony nearly swoon, and the design, intricate and beautiful, was breathtaking even to the untrained eye. Their footsteps echoed off of the walls as they made their way down the halls. "This is the door to the throne room." Volstagg said, when they reached a large, ornate door. "A messenger announced your arrival, so Odin should be waiting in here." Everyone started toward the door, but the warrior held up a hand. "Only you three should go." He said, gesturing to Thor, Loki and Tony. Thor nodded, and they entered the room. Inside waited Odin, as promised. Thor and Loki knelt before the throne, and Tony followed their lead. Something about the old man's gaze felt forceful, even intimidating.

"Loki." Odin started. Loki lifted his head to face him. "It gladdens me to see you like this, as you once were." He turned to Thor. "And you, son. To see you home again." And finally, his gaze fell on Tony. "And even you, weapon smith, if only because you amuse me." Tony had to crack a smirk at that. "You seek help, for your situation?"

"Yes, father." Thor said. "The magic that put Loki and friend Tony in their current states was too advanced for Loki to attempt at his age. As a last resort, we hoped you could direct us to a skilled enough sorceress."

"I understand. But first, tell me; how much does Loki know about the circumstances that led to his leaving Asgard?" Thor tensed at that. "Well?" Odin prompted.

"Nothing, father."

"I see." Loki looked questioningly at Thor, head still bowed. Thor could do nothing but look apologetically back at him. Odin stood up out of his throne, and walked over to the three. "You may rise." He said. They did. "Not to worry. This is a simple enough spell that we can surely find someone to reverse it. But Thor?" He looked gently at his eldest son. "I believe it is time you had a talk with your brother."

"I understand."

Odin nodded. "In the meantime, I will arrange chambers for you and your friends to retire to." He beckoned his sons to him, and put an arm around each of them. "It is good to have you home." He said. "Both of you."

"It is good to be home." Thor said.

* * *

"You wouldn't believe how mushy it all was." Tony said to Pepper later that day, as they sat in the chamber they had been directed to. "I mean, the guy was terrifying, but you could practically taste the sap."

Pepper smiled. "Admit it, you didn't mind."

"Nah, not at all. There is one thing though." Pepper raised an eyebrow. "Odin said Thor should be having a talk with his brother."

"Oh, dear."

* * *

Elsewhere in the palace, Thor and Loki each sat on opposite beds from the other, facing each other.

It was Loki who finally broke the silence. "Thor?" He asked.

"Yes?"

"What did father mean? Why did I leave Asgard?"

Thor took a deep breath. And explained everything. From his Jotun heritage to Manhattan, he left no detail out, Loki sitting silently on the bed the whole time. When Thor was finished, Loki had his knees hugged tightly to his chest, his face buried in them. "Loki," Thor said. "That was the older you. A different you, not this one. You need not be ashamed for his actions."

Obviously, though, that was not the right thing to say. "Why did no one tell me?" Loki burst out, to Thor's surprise. His face was red and scrunched up. "Why did no one tell me that I hurt so many people? That I am a _Jotun_, for gods' sakes?"

"Loki, I-"

Loki cut him off. "I'm nothing but a _monster!" _But no. That wasn't right. Bruce was a monster too, he said. And Bruce wasn't… "Thor?" He asked quietly.

"Yes?"

"Why… why did I do all of those things?"

"I think… I think you did it because you were angry. I think you were angry because nobody had told you about your true heritage until it was too late. Because you did not think anyone appreciated you, loved you. But they do love you, Loki. I do, we all do."

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." Loki muttered to himself.

"What was that?"

"Nothing. Can we go to bed now?"

"Of course." The two crawled under the covers. Loki lay awake for a couple hours after, his mind racing with questions and devoid of answers, until finally being lulled to sleep by the twinkling of the stars.

The next day, as promised, Odin had a skilled sorceress brought in to tend to Tony and Loki's respective problems.

"Take a deep breath." She said as she prepared to change Tony back.

"Be honest. Will it hurt?"

The sorceress chuckled. "No, but it may feel… strange."

"Speaking from experience?" Tony said, waggling an eyebrow.

"Oh, yes. It quite amuses my wife."

"Wait, what!?"

She smirked. "Look down."

Tony obeyed, glancing down at himself to find everything exactly where it should be. "Hey! My boobs are gone! And…" He shifted in his seat, just to make sure. "Oh, thank god!"

"I distracted you so well you didn't even notice. It works every time."

"I like you!" Tony exclaimed.

Pepper coughed indignantly, and the sorceress smiled. "I think our wives would both mind."

"Oh, she's not my- wait, you actually…? What?"

The sorceress chuckled at Tony's confusion, then beckoned for Loki. "Come, young prince. Now is your turn."

Loki hesitantly hopped off of the seat where he was waiting, approaching the sorceress with a worried look. But when she held out a hand to him, he snapped suddenly back. "No!" He shouted, before running out of the room.

Thor started after him. "Loki!" He called out into the halls. His ears finally picked up the sound of a quiet shuffling to his right, and he turned to find his brother, curled up into himself by the wall. "Loki," He said, dropping to his knees beside him. "What is wrong?"

Loki sniffed. "I… I don't want to be grown-up me again!" He said. "He is mean and selfish and hurt so many people and I don't like him!"

"But Loki, you can't simply stay like this forever."

"Maybe he can." They both looked up to see Bruce standing there, having managed to find them without so much as a sound to alert his presence.

"What do you mean?" Thor asked.

"Well, we already know that he's definitely aging at a normal rate. He's just been set back a couple hundred years. He could grow up all over again, and not many people are lucky enough to get a second chance like this. If you wanted to take it, Loki, I don't see any reason why you shouldn't."

Loki nodded vigorously. "Please? Brother, can I please stay like this?"

Thor smiled. "If it pleases you? Of course." Loki threw his arms around his brother, and stayed there for a good long while.

"Fellas? The others sent me to check up on you, is everything okay?" Steve said, poking his head around the corner.

"Everything's fine." Bruce said. "Just a little change of plans."


	9. Epilogue

**Author's Note: **Okay, so I feel like the epilogue might need some explaining. Details at the bottom, for the sake of avoiding spoilers.

* * *

Five months later, Loki was living happily at the tower. Odin, Frigga and the Avengers had all decided that it wouldn't be a good idea to rip Loki away from either of his families, (lack of blood relation notwithstanding) and so they had worked out a sort of joint custody thing; weekdays were spent in New York with the team, and weekends and Asgardian holidays were spent in Asgard. As Bruce had said, second chances are rare; so everyone made sure that Loki's counted. And though his family wasn't conventional, (most people don't have four dads and four moms, not counting Darcy, who is more like an aunt, and Thor, for obvious reasons) He was happy.

Ever since the incident in Asgard, everyone made sure that no secrets were kept from Loki. They probably shouldn't have forgotten in the first place that there was a reason he was sometimes called "The Liesmith". Not only could he craft them expertly, he could smell a lie a mile away. Of course, there were always little things that were left out accidentally. Like one day, when Loki was exploring the mythology section in the library.

He had, of course, wandered over to Norse mythology. Loki was still Loki, and he loved reading about himself. Until he got to a particular page which made his face whiten. He ran back home to the tower in a panic, and burst through the door.

"Whoa, little guy!" Tony said, putting down his coffee as Loki marched up to him.

"What is this?" Loki demanded, holding up the book.

Tony snorted when he saw the picture; he had gotten to the part about the stallion, Svaoilfari. "Um, I think that's for your brother to explain. Jarvis, get Thor down here, would you?"

"Yes sir."

Thor arrived quickly. "You called?"

Loki quickly presented the book. "Brother, tell me it isn't true!" Thor saw the page, and immediately turned red in the face as Tony burst out laughing.

* * *

**Author's Note: **I'm not gonna lie to you, this is a bit of an inside joke. In Norse mythology Loki is supposed to have transformed into a female horse at one point and gotten pregnant by a stallion, resulting in the eight-legged horse Sleipnir. No joke. So my girlfriend and I have this thing in our roleplays where she'll say, "Loki, did you really have s*x with a horse?" And I'll say, "Oh, but you should have seen that stallion." So this is kind of an homage to her. I guess. It's also pretty funny, in my opinion.


End file.
